Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Week One From Hannibal
February 27, 2003

Well week one in Missouri is almost complete. It's been a good week, fairly uneventful, borderline boring, yet really busy, which seems like a contrast in terms. I guess I was busy not having a clue what I was doing, which is an interesting feeling.

Sometimes I still wonder what I'm doing. Why am I here? What is going on in my life? I remember when I was a freshman in college, nearly five years ago, being so idealistic, and not having a clue. If you had asked me then where I would be in five years, I can guarantee you I would have never said Hannibal, Missouri. I hadn't even heard of Hannibal, and probably couldn't even find Missouri on the map.

So what am I doing here? I guess the fact that God has led me to the "show me" state proves that He has a sense of humor, since every second that I've been here, I've been crying out show me. Show me your path. Show me your plan. Show me the way. Show me.

It's scary. Knowing that in June I'll have to move again because one of my roommates is getting married. I dread the thought of living alone again. Even though I'm introverted, nights are longer and weekends are lonelier when you live by yourself. There were days when I would not have human contact from 4:00 p.m. on Friday until 10:30 a.m. on Sunday. It scares me to think that I may have to do that again.

I'm scared that I'll be terrible at my job. That Ruthie, my boss, will look at me in a month and say "what was I thinking?" That my co-workers will laugh at me behind my back, and talk about me when I leave the room.

Why do I worry so much? Where is my faith in a God whose plan is perfect. It's probably still sitting in those boxes that I haven't unpacked from my car yet. Seriously, why do I struggle with faith so much, when it seems that the people around me don't? What am I lacking? What is wrong with me?

Has God ever really let me down? Sure, there have been times when I've had to deal with things that I didn't think were fair. But God gave me the strength, even when I didn't understand the why. How come I think that this time will be different? Why do I think that this time He'll let go of my hand? Why do I feel like He's going to abandon me? Why does fear make my stomach knot and cause me to lay in my floor and cry?

Because I'm human I guess. I can't see the whole picture. I see the cliff in front of me, but I don't see the bridge that spans it. I see the thorns but miss the flowers. I run from the flames, leaving the warmth behind.

And what if God did reveal it all to me? What if, in one white flash, He showed me everything? I would fall over blinded, even more scared than I am now, because I simply cannot comprehend it. It would be like feeding a baby solid food just because she cried for it. She couldn't handle it. I can't handle it.

So I'll learn to be content with enough light for the next step. I will learn that God's plan is perfect and mine is innately flawed. I will wait for solid food and continued to be nourished by His word.

I will have faith.

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