January 27, 2005

My soul is torn, divided between my past, present, and future. I don't understand how it works, this dividing of my emotions, conflict of my mind. Part of me longs for what was. I miss being with my family, my greatest stress coming from who would speak to me at school. I miss my innocence, before I knew the people who hid behind their masks, before I knew what I had behind my mask. I long for my excitement for life, my fresh-faced exuberance that has been replaced by ulcers and worries.

Even as I look longingly over my shoulder at the past, I cling desperately to the present, trying to hold on to that which cannot be grasped. Even as I whine about the real world, I find an odd comfort in the monotony. On the first I pay my rent. Even Thursday is Bible study. Pay day is the 26th. My life is dictated by my planner, and I like it that way.

Until I think about the future, which I peek at through trembling fingers. To look at it fully would paralyze me, rooted in place like Lot's wife (who ironically enough was turning to the past." How can I long for the unknown when I long so for the known? How can those checklists that I love one moment pin me to the floor of this earth the next? I cry out for God to show me His will, to lead me, all the while hoping He will let me stay in this place I loudly hate.
How can I do it? Look over my shoulder. Cling to the present. Strain for the future. I wasn't made for this place. I swear it's my home but feel my soul bursting, longing for my real home. I don't understand how I can long for a place I've never been while fearing to part this place I hate.

I cry "Lord take me home...but not today." Because as much as my soul rebels against this place, my flesh and bone knows no other.

And therein lies the rub. My soul knows the truth, but it's buried in this rotting sin. It will triumph. It will overcome. When my flesh fades away and my soul finally breaks free, I will be one. I will be reconciled.

Lord, please hurry

So, I almost feel like I have to make the stereotypical Valentine's Day post...about how this day should be called Single Awareness Day (it should), about how I think this whole holiday is a conspiracy designed by Hallmark, FTD Florist, and some cocoa bean farmer in South America (it is), and about how this day often makes me feel like there is something inerrantly wrong in being single, independent, and 25 (it does).

And I'm in just the mood to make said post. I just feel so restless lately, antsy and just itching to do something other than what I'm doing. Not just in the vocational sense, but I feel stagnant in every part of my being. And no amount of flowers, or chocolates, or boyfriends would change that.

It's not that I have a terrible life. I have great friends, I'm active in my church, my co-workers are nice. But I just want to DO something. And I keep waiting for God tell me what that something is. And I'm scared I've missed it. And I'm more scared that He'll never show me.

Things that Make Me Smile
Here's my top list of things that make me smile...and I mean really smile. The kind of smile that you can't control, that spreads from your mouth to your eyes and makes you just a little self-conscious about how goofy you look.
-Physical contact with a cute guy. I'm not talking anything bad, just those unnecessary touches (a hand on the shoulder, a brush of the arm) that are completely platonic, yet very nice.
-A laughing baby. I can be in the worst mood in the world, and as soon as I look at that drooling, toothless grin I can't help myself!
-Really good song lyrics. Even if it's a sad song, if it's got great lyrics, it'll make me smile. My latest smile through the tears lyrics: "I'm whispering a line that no one knows, sleeping on a pillow of her clothes."
-Unexpected contact from friends. Whether it's a letter, phonecall, or an email, I love when old friends contact me out of the blue.
-A genuine compliment. I try really hard not to rely on compliments to feel good about myself, but when someone says something nice about me because they really mean it, it just makes me smile!
-A good book. Okay, so I'm a book nerd, but a well-turned phrase gets me grinnin'!

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll add more later :)