Monday, June 25, 2007

Can you see me?


I realized something this weekend.

I spent much of my childhood and adolescence trying to be invisible. I didn't want people to notice me. In elementary school, I was painfully shy. When it was my turn to read out loud, I would fly through the words--onefishtwofishredfishbluefish--desperate to just get them out, get it over with. Desperate for all eyes to be trained on someone other than me.

In middle school it became a survival instinct. Like an animal in the wild blends in with its surroundings, I too tried to blend in. Fly under the radar. Not call attention to my clumsiness. My awkwardness. My nerdiness.

And on it went. I was pretty good at it. Too good maybe. Because it was in my teen years I realized I couldn't just turn it off. It wasn't like a light switch--now you see me now you don't. I had spent my life blending in, flying under the radar. And now nobody would notice me. I camped at the same summer camp five summers in a row. Yet nobody knew me. Beyond my close ciricle of friends, people knew nothing about me. Sure, they may know my name, may recognize my face. But that's all.

I feel like I'm still fighting it. It's my natural instinct to sink back, observe, blend in. I was reminded of that at church this Sunday. I went to the late service, which I rarely do, and sat by myself, which I usually do. During the greeting time, a couple introduced themselves, asking if this was my first time. I had to tell them that I had been attending this church for a year. In the foyer after the service, I was chatting with one of the kids from my first grade Sunday school class, which I teach during the school year. Her mother stared at me blankly--How do you know my child? she asked. And I had to tell her that I had taught her daughter for nine months.

So, I don't really know what to do. Or if there's anything I even should do. I don't want to be the center of the party.

I just want you to know my name.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see you Brandy. I saw you every other day for two semesters. You taught me a lot, and you showed you cared. You keep teaching me. Almost everyday when I come home from work and turn on my computer I check to see if you or Scott & Tammy updated your blogs. You make me smile and sometimes you make me cry. But when I read them I learn something. You keep teaching even though you moved. Your lessons now are just more important than learning AP format. Thanks for making me laugh and making me cry. Thanks for teaching me all these invaluable lessons.

7:47 PM  
Anonymous ronzilla said...

I see you, and I know your name. And you're an encouragement to me, and your writing inspires me to be a better proofreader. ;)

Have a good week, Sharon. ;) hehehe...

Ron

8:51 PM  
Blogger blissfullykrissy said...

um...hi brandy, i remember you from work today...you're the girl that laughs at me constantly right? well, you should know that i'm the one who won't forget you.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

I SO hear you on this, Brandy. Especially the church part ... it's really hard to go to church along week after week. I'm glad to know you. :)

5:39 PM  
Blogger greta lynn hernandez said...

How many times have I met people for the second...third...time and they say, "Oh, I don't believe we've ever met!" Argh.

HE knows your name. You're never hidden to Him, and nothing about you surprises Him. Embrace Him! Remember, your name isn't just Brandy, it's Daughter of the King!!!

:)

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Candace said...

wow...I SOOOO know how you feel. I never even realized that was what I was trying to do growing up, be invisible, until I read this entry. It just hit me that's what I've been doing for years! Strange to suddenly realize that while you want attention in one way others you don't. Anywayz, just wanted to let you know I can relate.

1:04 PM  

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